Self Belief Unsquashed

185. People Pleasing Makes You Explode. The Primal Pain of Rejection

In this episode, I'm turning detective on a fresh perspective on people pleasing and its surprising knock-on effects. You might know that constantly trying to please others stems from a fear of rejection, which, incredibly, activates the same parts of your brain as physical pain. But have you considered how this habit can lead to feeling silently annoyed, then angry, and ultimately to losing your temper out of the frustration of not being your full authentic self?
Join me as I explore this cycle, share insights from my book (you get a whole chapter) "The Mystery of the Squashed Self", and offer some initial thoughts on how to worry less about being liked. Some good reframes to try!
I reference loads of good books for you to explore more!
Not Nice - Dr Aziz Gazipura 
The Courage to be Disliked - Kishimi and Koga
Myth of the Nice Girl - Fran Hauser
Go For No - Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton
Insight - Tasha Eurich
The Mystery of the Squashed Self - Trisha Lewis
 
I also refer to Michael Port and Aesop! 
 
Want to explore 'people pleasing' a little more?
Head to episodes: 182 and 167
 
Links to more unsquashing resources - including some tests you can have a bit of fun with - head to my resources page at trishalewis.com

184. Are You Weak For Needing Boundaries. Think Again.

This episode explores the guilt and discomfort associated with setting personal boundaries. We examine the fear of being perceived as selfish or weak that often prevents individuals from saying no or withdrawing from unwanted commitments. I introduce the concept of "fawning" as a potential trauma response related to people-pleasing. As always I offer some reframes and tips to help you recognise these feelings, prioritise their well-being, and understand that setting boundaries is an act of self-care and wisdom, rather than selfishness or weakness.
 
Refererences:
Article about 'Fawning' - Psychology Today
Untamed - Glennon Doyle
Gabor Mate
The Mystery of the Squashed Self - Trisha Lewis
Beware The Self Squashing Prophecy - TEDx - Trisha Lewis
Other 'unsquashing' resources and quizzes - my website.

183. Share Your Strengths Without Showing Off

This podcast episode explores the common struggle of articulating one's skills and achievements without appearing boastful. It identifies this reluctance as a "dumbing down disaster" stemming from fears of being judged as a show-off, often rooted in past experiences and societal pressures.
The episode explores these underlying fears and assumptions, suggesting that sharing genuine expertise is distinct from bragging and can even empower others. It offers practical advice, including reframing achievements through relevant connections and accepting compliments, encouraging listeners to confidently acknowledge their abilities in appropriate contexts and overcome self-imposed limitations on their potential impact and growth.
*****
There is a chapter in my book 'The Mystery of the Squashed Self' that explores this self-squasher. Details and sample chapter - as well as other unsquasher resources - to be found on my website trishalewis.com.  I also mention a book by Peggy Klaus - 'Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn'. 

182. The Shadow Side of Nice: Why Being Too Good Can Hold You Back.

In this episode of Self-Belief Unsquashed, I'm diving into something I think a lot of us can relate to: the 'too nice trap'. (It's one of the chapters in my book in fact!). Have you ever wondered if being too nice might actually be holding you back, or even making you feel like a bit of a fraud? That's exactly what we're unpicking today, inspired by the classic book, "If I'm So Successful, Why Do I Feel Like a Fake?" by Harvey and Katz.
It's so common, isn't it? We often put on our best behaviour, whether it's on a first date or in a job interview. But real connections and genuine happiness come when we can show our more authentic, sometimes less 'perfect' selves. Think about characters we love in books and on screen, like Elizabeth Bennett – their flaws are part of what makes them real.
The trouble starts when we feel this pressure to be constantly nice, so much so that we start to hide other parts of ourselves – what Carl Jung called our 'shadow self'. We might worry about revealing any anger, envy, or frustration, fearing rejection. As Harvey and Katz found in their research, people who others see as nice can secretly feel unworthy, even mean or hostile, believing they've somehow deceived people into liking them. This can lead to the strange feeling of being an imposter.
We also look at how we sometimes let our thoughts dictate our feelings, assuming that having a negative thought makes us a bad person – which simply isn't true. We all have those fleeting moments of irritation or frustration!. I share some relatable examples of falling into the 'too nice trap', like feeling obliged to donate extra at the till or attend events we don't really want to, just to avoid being seen as mean or unsociable. Even something as simple as adding smiley faces to emails can be part of this!.
But constantly hiding our true selves isn't healthy. As Robert Green discusses in his brilliant book, "The Laws of Human Nature", beneath that polite exterior, we all have a darker side. Repressing it can actually be harmful, leading to unexpected outbursts. Green suggests we need to become aware of our own dark side to control it and integrate it, leading to greater authenticity. "I'd rather be whole than good," as Carl Jung famously said.
So, how do we navigate this? It's about finding a balance. We touch upon the idea of assertiveness, which, as John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut explain in "Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential", isn't about being aggressive but finding that sweet spot between passive and aggressive, requiring both strength and warmth.
Ultimately, it's about self-awareness and understanding that it's okay to have a range of emotions and opinions. You don't need to be relentlessly 'lovely' to be liked or valued. In fact, trying to be that all the time can be exhausting and inauthentic.
If you're curious to explore this further, I've even got a couple of little tests on my website, trishalewis.com on the 'stay unsquashed' resources page – the Harvey IP scale from the book we mentioned, and my own squashometer test. Have a go and see what you think!
Stay curious and unsquashed!

181: Slamming Doors: Assertive or Self-Belief Squashing?

Confession time! A long time ago I got angry in an office, and something stupid happened.  We all get wound up by people and situations - but how we respond matters.  There is a counter-intuitive thing to consider - is our anger assertive or ultimately a way of being angry with ourselves for not being more controlled.  Listen to my crazy story and see if you relate - even if not in the fine detail!

180: Stop Attacking Yourself: Exploring The Trigger Trap

In this episode, I delve into the fascinating realm of non-intentional triggers and how they can lead to overblown reactions and negative inner dialogues. Through four relatable stories from my life, I explore how past experiences, like childhood sports memories and family dynamics, shape our sensitivities and triggering points today.
This is about the importance of awareness and control over our emotional responses. You will learn about the 3 'C' method - to "collect, communicate, and calm" your triggers. With practical actions and thought-nudging quotes, this episode offers listeners pathways to manage their reactions and break free from the self-doubt spiral, encouraging a reflective journey towards self-belief and emotional resilience.
 
Reference:  A Life of One's Own by Marion Milner
Quote included from Dr Nicole LePera
 
For all sorts of resources on the topic of 'staying unsquashed' including some tests - visit my website.

179: The Serious Benefits of Laughter

In these stressful times, we often forget the simplest antidote to our troubles – laughter. In this episode we explore the profound effects laughter can have on our mental and physical health, presenting historical anecdotes and scientific research to validate these claims. And it all starts with laughter - listen!
Discover how a practice as old as time can relieve stress, boost your immune system, and enhance the quality of your relationships. A sprinkle of humor a day may indeed keep the doctor away. Learn how laughter can effectively elevate your mood and improve resilience against life's challenges.
Explore practical ways to incorporate more laughter into your everyday life, whether it's through comedy, joyful experiences with friends, or even laughter yoga. Embrace the contagious nature of joy and make a conscious effort to bring more laughter into your world – for your wellbeing, and the wellbeing of those around you.
REFERENCES for further exploring
 
Dr. Robert Provine – Laughter: A Scientific Investigation
Dr. Lee Berk – Loma Linda University Studies on Laughter
Norman Cousins – Anatomy of an Illness
My 'laughter makers'
Nick Abbot Show - LBC radio
The Rest is History Podcast
Joyce Grenfell and Norman Wisdom - Narcissus
The Laughing Policeman

178. Don't Let Bad Days Define You: Embrace Your Biorhythms

In this episode, I explore the concept of biorhythms and how they impact our daily fluctuations in energy and mood - something we all experience. What is the connection between your body and mind? With insights from "How Emotions Are Made" by Lisa Feldman Barrett, I highlight the importance of treating low moments as temporary - observe and understand your body's signals.
Through personal anecdotes, such as experiences at the climbing wall, I illustrate how sudden mood changes can be seen as part of our natural ebb and flow, rather than a crisis. I advise against making rash decisions during these "off" days and remind you to be nice to yourself!
Stay curious and embrace those unique rhythms. Emotions can often be just noise needing patience and observation. Whether it's the weather, sleep, or subtle stressors, recognizing and navigating these elements can lead to a more balanced and less reactive approach to life's challenges. 
Based on personal experience - of course! I'm human.
(The quote about butterflies is attributed to a number of people! Lisa Feldman Barrett mentions her daughter's karate teacher using it... and it might be orignally from Rob Gilbert - motivational speaker.  Not sure! It's a good image though.)
“It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation”
 
 
(Video version over on YouTube)

177: Questioning the Comfort Zone: A Fresh Perspective

In this episode, I delve into the widely accepted notion that staying in your comfort zone can be akin to stagnation or even a proverbial "graveyard" for dreams and ideas. But is it necessary to always step out of one's comfort zone to grow, or is there value in staying cozy and enjoying the comfort it offers?
Join me as I explore personal stories of embracing challenges and rediscovering passions, alongside insights and theories from Gay Hendricks’ book "The Big Leap." We'll evaluate the concept of an "upper limit" and the idea of self-sabotage, questioning if pushing beyond what we know is truly the path to success. Reflect on your own comfort zones and examine whether staying within them is holding you back or keeping you content and happy.
 
Video on YouTube - Self Belief Unsquashed Channel
More about 'Self Squashing' - trishalewis.com (Link to book and TEDx)

176: Unlocking Hidden Perspectives: A Journey of Self-Discovery

In this episode of "Self-Belief Unsquashed," Trisha Lewis encourages listeners to explore shifts in perspective that can lead to profound self-discovery. Through personal anecdotes and thoughtful reflections, Trisha highlights the transformative power of viewing ourselves through different lenses. She shares a heartwarming story of reconnecting with an old friend and how it provided surprising insights into her own identity, challenging long-held beliefs about herself.
This episode invites you to break free from stagnant thinking patterns and embrace new perspectives, whether from longstanding relationships or fresh connections. By staying curious, open-minded, and receptive to the viewpoints of others, you unlock the potential for personal growth and self-awareness. Join Trisha in her mission to unsquash self-belief and experience a broader understanding of who you are.